I Lost My Balls & When I Regained Them Again – Pt 1

By Raymond Mhor

Why do you commit to things that really do not matter to you?  Is it guilt, fear, not wanting to rock the boat? For me it was all of the above.

Why do you allow yourself to compromise and give up the high ground so many times?

I came out of a marriage where I compromised A LOT. I lost myself in that relationship, not in a good way, but a bad way.

When I Lost My Balls

It was 2013 and I picked up a book titled “Outlander” by Diana Gabaldon. I grabbed me and spoke to my Celtic soul. Come to find out there were eight other books in the series.

At the time I was living down in Costa Rica, I had time and I enjoyed reading. So, I took on the series and fell in love with it.

Reading these books really woke up my internal Scotsman. Those feelings of pride, kilts, bagpipes and such that I had when I was growing up was returning again.

It awakened that Celtic Warrior spirit that was living deep inside me.

I felt that other men had to feel this way so in 2014 I got on Facebook and created a group titled “Real Men Wear Kilts.”

It is still going strong today and we are getting close to hitting the 10,000 member mark.

Here I am living a pretty dream life down in Costa Rica. I have started a consulting service and it was doing really well and for me life was good.

But  the marriage, it was still very blah and I did not like that it was so one sided.

It was around Sept 2014 that my then wife and I decided to take a trip back to the states for the holidays. This sounded like a lot of fun plus it gave me an opportunity to order some kilts and have them waiting for me when we land back in Texas.

Yeah… this was where the bug hit me and I started buying kilts.

I found UT Kilts and ordered a few utility kilts, a really nice Gunn tartan kilt from Tartanisia and a black watch from Stillwater Kilts. I had all of them shipped to my then step-son’s home so that I could then bring them back with me to Central America.

FYI… Kilts are like Lays Potato Chips; you just can’t have one.

That day when I tried on my kilt, there was something that resonated deep inside me. It was like a lost power or something or better yet, regaining of pride and self.

I was super excited when we arrived and found my kilts waiting. The first one I tried on was a black utility kilt that I ordered from UT Kilts. I also brought with me a tam that a friend of mine knitted and felted the wool. I still have this tam to this day, and it holds a special place in my heart.

I put on my kilt belt and my sporran and came out and showed my then wife.

Her first response was that she laughed at me. Her oldest son who we were staying with kind of chuckled and said, “I am not sure where you are going to wear that, but I wouldn’t wear it around here in Texas.”

My then wife basically chimed in and said the same thing and that she would not want to be with me while I was wearing that thing.

There statements kind of took the air out of my sails.

Screw them is what I thought.

We were going over to Louisiana for Christmas with the whole family, so I took my kilts with me and I was going to wear them no matter what.

When we were arrived, I dawned one of my kilts and the whole family was like “what is that?”

My then wife was embarrassed that I was wearing with both her kids and family but also my middle stepson’s family, who was playing host.

What was interesting is that my daughter in law’s family were way more accepting and loved it over that of my then wife and her kids (my step kids)

But I stood my ground and later my daughter in law was going to run a lot of errands and do some shopping. She requested that I make a special dish, so I needed to pick up some supplies as well.

So, we jumped in the car and took off. I asked her if she minded that I was going to be wearing my kilt and she said no and that she liked seeing me in it.

That felt good.

So, the first time I wore my kilt, my then family, made it known that they did not approve.  But my daughter in law’s side liked it a lot.

We went to Walmart and some other stores and I got a few odd looks, but over all I could see that people were very approving.

In fact, I had several women come up and tell me how much they appreciate seeing a man in a kilt.

Wind was put back in my sails and I was feeling good again.

It was a good afternoon and I have to say that I was feeling good about myself more than I have in a long time where I felt just like a empty shell of a man.

There is something about wearing a kilt that just boosts your self-esteem, especially when you have women come out of their way to complement you on how good looking you are.

We got back home from the errands and I was feeling good to all of a sudden come into my wife’s side of the family and basically getting the cold shoulder “who the hell are you” sort of looks.

I even got a scolding from her ex-husband who was also invited because all the kids wished to see him as well. (Yeah talk about feeling like a total 5th wheel.) He is “Scottish” and was insulted that I was making a mockery of his family roots by wearing a kilt.

So, the next day I put on my jeans and lost my balls all to placate my then wife and her kids.

I did not wear a kilt again for a very long time even though I started a very popular Facebook group for kilt wearers.

I totally lost myself and lived up to everyone else’s expectation. I was totally unhappy with my marriage and I thought a change in me would help.

Listen, I am someone who does not need or want a lot of things. But ever since I was a little boy, I have had this draw, this passion, something down deep inside me pulling me to the kilt, the sound of the bag pipes, that Celtic bad-assness that I know was deep inside my DNA.

A special part of me died that visit back to the US, and things did not get better.

Has anything like this happened to you?

How did it make you feel?

How would you have handled it?

Please share your comments below and let me hear what you are thinking.

We will continue this conversation in the next installment.

Kilt On!